Letter to Sky

Skyler Gabriel Dolen: 1/5/2012 - 2/4/2012

A letter to my son

2/5/2012

Dear Beautiful, Sweet Skyler Gabriel Dolen, 

My heart was broken yesterday in ways that words cannot describe.  I can easily say it was the worst day of my life.  Yesterday was the day you gave up your amazing fight for life.  Your body was not as strong as your spirit.  You were a fighter, from in the womb, struggling to get enough blood, to fighting for air with lungs that could not give you the oxygen you needed. Tears roll down my face as I think of you struggling, but you kept fighting. The day you were born Dr. Walker told us that he could not believe you made it as long as you did and the reason we still have Keller is because you were helping carry his load.  If you had not been so strong we would not have Keller. I am eternally thankful to you for taking care of your brother.

I want to tell you about some of the people that you will be missing out on here on earth.  Though most of those people were in the hospital with you in your final moments I would like to tell you a little more about them. 

Your brothers are amazing boys, Grayson Michael, Asher Isaac, and Keller Isaiah.

Grayson is your 9 year old brother he is so handsome with big brown eyes and a heart stopping smile.  He is such a happy guy who is an amazing artist, great at sports and loves getting his “look” just right.  Everyone loves to be around him and he is the best big brother in the whole world.  He has a soft spot in his heart for little kids and they love him too.  Grayson is excited that both of you have middle names that were named after angels.

Asher is your 4 year old brother he has beautiful blue eyes and a laugh that makes everyone laugh along.  He is so funny and has a twisted sense of humor, but I love it.  He is a bit of a daredevil but he is also such a lover and gives the best hugs.  He always has a twinkle in his eye that makes me a happy daddy.  He was born with his trademark, crazy hair, and he would not be the same without it.  When people see his hair and learn his personality they realize it was a match made in heaven.

Keller, who’s name means Little Champion, is your identical twin brother so he is obviously beautiful.  He, like you, is a fighter. You guys were so strong together it breaks my heart that he will not have you here on earth.  You guys have gone through some tough times together and you have a bond that will never be broken.  The nurse told us today that as you were fighting for life last night that Keller was restless and need some extra support, but once you left your body and were no longer in pain he relaxed and had the best night he has had so far.  He was hurting for you.

I am your Daddy and I married your Mommy and had you and your brothers and I feel like the luckiest man in the whole world.  I love you boys and Mommy so much and I work hard to take care of and protect all of you.  I want you to grow up knowing that God gave you to me and Mommy to take care of while here on earth until you go back to be with Him and Jesus, his son.  God loves you just as much as Mommy and me.

I want to tell you about your Papa Mike.  He is my Daddy and he taught me how to be a good Daddy and a good man.  I wish I could have taught you how to be as good as a man as he is.  He taught me about God.  He loves me and he lives and breathes for his grandsons.  He, like you got a body that is not as tough as his spirit but thankfully he is a fighter like you and Keller.

Your Mommy is the most amazing and beautiful woman on this whole earth and I am so lucky that she chose me to spend her life with.  She is so funny she makes me laugh more than anyone else I have ever met.  Mommy and I have a lot of fun together but our favorite thing in the whole world is our boys.  Your Mommy spends all day and night thinking about you and your brothers.  Everything from fun games to play, special crafts to make to fun activities to do.  She lives and breathes for you 4 boys.  If there is one wish that I could have come true it would be for you to spend more time with her.  I wish she could rock you and sing you to sleep every night.  She is truly amazing. 

Skyler Gabriel- That’s your name.  Skyler means “to give shelter” and “protector” which is fitting for what you did for Keller.  Gabriel is your middle name because of the Angle Gabriel.  In Luke 1 the Angle Gabriel told Mary “do not be afraid” that she was going to have the Son of God and to name him Jesus.  This name is perfect for you because now you are my angle until we are together again with Jesus.  You gave Mommy and me the best gift we have ever received.  In your final hour of live you had a 10 minute burst of energy where you locked eyes with Mommy and me and tried to squeak out little noises.  I will never forget the look in your eyes.  You were not scared at all.  You looked so peaceful, like a little 1lb angle.  Your eyes told us not to be afraid, you were fine and that we would see you again.  I think you would have smiled if you didn’t have tape over your mouth holding your vent tubing in.  You were stronger than us and it was the best moment of my life within the worst moment of my life, but I thank you for it.  I am so thankful that I was able to catch part of that moment on video.  It has become the most prized possession of my life though I have not been strong enough to watch it.  I love the video, but it is also the most painful thing I have ever seen knowing it is the final moments of your life.  I will never forget the moments when the doctors pulled out your vents and let us hold you as your spirit left your body.  After Mommy and I each took turns holding you for the first and last time I kissed you on the forehead one final time and laid you in your bed and covered you up.  I can still feel your soft skin on my lips and wish I could kiss you again and again.

As I close this letter it is not the end of us.  I will think of you every day and I want to make a promise to you.  From time to time I will take my car out for a drive and that will be our time.  You sit in the passenger seat and I will teach you about cars and tell you about things here on earth and you can tell me what heaven is like.  It is so hard for me right now because I want to be in two places at the same time, here on earth with your Mommy and brothers and in heaven with you and Jesus, but until Jesus calls me home I need to take care of the rest of our family.   I know that when I finally come home you will be waiting for me with open arms. 

I can now start to understand the gift that God gave to mankind sacrificing his Son Jesus to suffer and die on a cross for our sins.  It is a pain that no father should feel.  But He loved us so much that he was willing to make that sacrifice. Being human, I could never let my baby boy suffer like that for someone else. You are too precious to me.

I no longer fear death knowing you are waiting for me, my little protector, Skyler Gabriel Dolen.

I will see you soon.

Love,

Daddy